The Bluffer's Guide to Etiquette (Bluffer's Guides) by William Hanson

Author:William Hanson [Hanson, William]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Bluffer's
Published: 2014-01-15T07:00:00+00:00

ETIQUETTE WHEN HATCHED

Giving birth is reportedly one of the most painful experiences a woman can endure. Yet if the birth announcement is worded incorrectly in the paper the following week, the pain of being shunned by your aristocratic associates will be almost as bad.

The first thing to know is that in the upper classes you have a child (or several) to carry on ‘the line’. It is of course your duty to procreate, but it is no longer the done thing to worry about carrying on the family ‘name’, possibly because these days it can’t be guaranteed. You might have heard about ‘primogeniture’, an ancient feudal rule in England ensuring that the eldest son inherited the family estate (and any title if relevant), and that if there was no immediate male successor then the daughters would pick up the pieces. It’s all terribly Downton and terribly old hat, except in the case of the British monarchy, where it still prevails – although we’re assured that it’s all going to change, and that soon your gender will make no difference to where you rank in line to the throne – an astonishingly progressive thought!

Do say ‘Thank goodness they’re finally sorting this out.’

Don’t say ‘Do I still get the loot? What is primogeniture anyway?’

Maximum bluffing value Primogeniture was intended to preserve larger estates from being broken up, and thus weakening the power of the nobility. It prevailed throughout England until the mid-twentieth century, although it was never observed in the county of Kent and it never made it over the pond to the USA.

(You might also bear in mind that women are still ineligible to succeed to the majority of hereditary peerages in Britain. But nobody ever claimed that the aristocracy moved quickly in these matters.)

Mothers-to-be must treat their pregnancy as a duty, too. Complaining too much about the baby kicking, tossing and turning in the womb is a tad downmarket. Acting as if you are the first woman in the world to be pregnant will only cause eyes to roll.

Don’t say ‘Oh, it’s kicking off again! God, I’d like a glass of fizz.’

Do say (with a sigh) ‘It’s all just a bit boring, really.’

Expectant mothers should carry on with normal activities as long as possible. You want to be the ‘How does she do it?’ woman. Dress impeccably, smile and be your usual charming self, and when it does all begin to get too much, don’t leave the house and accept no callers except immediate family. The pregnant bluffer should ensure that pregnancy becomes them and that they should never be seen to be anything other than radiant and glowing.

BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENTS

Placing an announcement in a national newspaper (The Times and/or The Daily Telegraph) is the traditional route and is the duty of the father, together with telephoning close relatives. In modern times a Facebook post or a tweet, or even a round-robin text to announce the birth, is also just about acceptable – especially with fewer people reading newspapers nowadays and the extortionate rates editors charge for such notices.

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